into the shadow and through

hey everyone, im just gonna sit in front of my laptop and pour my heart out okay? i'm not drunk but don't take me seriously, i'll be fine after this. this is gonna be long.

i am at a phase in my life where the closest people to me are leaving or drifting away from me. i'd like to think that when people leave, they open up a position for new people to fill into. but no, all i feel now is a void are many voids. and how can anyone ever substitute the place these special people had in my heart? these people will come back to me, i hope. all im worried now is when they come back, will they will still be the same people i fell in love with?

what i don't like is having to make an effort to stay close. it doesn't work, that making effort thing. everything has to come naturally. but what does natural mean when we you are at different continents, different time zone, have no meeting point, or no same classes, no same private study time, NOTHING in common except we came from the same school?

i can't say i've been making a lot of effort because i know it, i haven't. im just so used to just see all my friends right there. it has never occured to me that every relationship takes effort. so yeah, amilyn, don't think you're so cool that people just come to you and all want to be your friend. none of that.

what am i then? lazy. apathetic. slothful. lethargic. irresponsible and immature. yes, it's true, because what i'm doing now is telling everyone i have a problem and no one is helping. this is truly a bitching. so hate me.

whoever's reading this, it's not the end of my post. things cannot be let be like that. accepting that you're not ideal? admitting defeat and settle like that? (just like that time when he told me he was too weak to quit smoking. i was hurt he let himself be weak. no, it wasn't Jasper if any of you were thinking.) no. that will go against everything i have stood so strong for.

i am an idealist, a perfectionist, a psychotic mild OCDer, i will

1. fix it.
2. fix it.
3. fix it.
   

i admit that for the past few weeks i've been selfish and shifting blame here and there. but i know now the problem lies in me. i don't know how to tell you, but i will try.

i love vee. she's crazy and she sprinkles life dust everywhere she goes, like the little fairy in PeterPan. she's at Taylor's College in SubangJaya (google it if you don't know). i was supposed to go to there with her. had my name signed up by the educational services, vee even booked the apartment for me already. we're gonna live together. leave bruland and rock taylors.
and then i did something stupid, and decided it's best i stayed in brunei. vee, im sorry. i always wish i was there with you. vee still texts me, and tells me to call her, hah! but i love talking to her, to know what's going on in her life, to let her know im still alive, to let her know i miss her. she's still here, she hasn't left.

teo. man, this boy is nuts. pressure himself studying here, pressure himself studying even when he's by himself in KK. he's the genius of the class, the gem. the guy who everyone turns to.
"HEY TEO HOW YOU DO THIS QUESTION??"
he used to call me a lot and most of the time i took him for granted. the truth is deep down i know i appreciate him. his stupid jokes, how he makes everything sounds like sex (don't hit me!) all the secrets he share, so much trust in me. teo, please stop being so gullible, not everyone is trustworthy okay? but you can be sure i am. Teo rocks. he still calls me from KK and im exuberant each time he comes back to brunei during his holiday. he'll always be here, he hasn't left.

sana banana. or the queen. or the noisy brat. i looked back at my old journals dated 2001 and i saw myself write "sangeetha is making a lot of noise again. everyone wants her to shut up." look at yourself now girl, who are you? the one we love, our little queen. how much have you grown, how much you have grown.
i love sana. she's one of a kind. she's my friend, i lecture her when she doesn't do things right, when she's a stupid kid. she's my friend, she lectures me when i do things wrong, when im lost and confused. she's my friend, she asks me what i've been doing and she's so excited and happy for me i could feel it. she's gone to to taree now, NSW australia, but her high spirits remain like she's never left. sana, you know i love you even though i have this picture of us looking like idiots:-

hahahahahaa!! look at you... so tiny. look at me... omygod that hair!!! okay we gotta justify ourselves. we look like this now:

come back quick so we can attempt to burn the pic on the left and end up putting it into a beautiful frame (in our hearts, at the very least.)

jasmine. she's blissfully in manila, learning architecture now. she up and left, left us a phone number which did NOT function, never replies her email, never signs in to MSN, never blogs (forgets her password!), NOTHING.
but this girl pierced a spear right through my heart when she called me up last month, saying she's coming home the very next day and i was the first she called.
and why do i love her? oh she's the angel when you're having innocent fun, she's the best bitching partner when you're mad, she's the devil when you go clubbing, she's the *read her description on the top right of this page*. then she just came home and told me all her stories like she had never left.

bryan the stupid "twin" of mine, this is the only surviving picture of us i can find:

i met bryan in the middle of after olevels holiday through teo (i just KNOW you will request for credit). he's the only guy i've actually got close to and feel comfortable with in such a short period of time. we had so much in common. it's strange how things works.
but less than two months later, he had to go back to myanmar... i forgot all the french he taught me, i still wonder if they were right! hahahaha! bryan, you left as fast as you came.. sometimes i feel that we've never met. at other times i feel that you've never really left. and i still think you look better after the haircut no matter what you say. =p

shenny and i, our friendship goes wayyy back. she's grown so much over the years but she is still the same good-natured person everyone loved.
do you remember when you turned to me, so frustrated that alan and melvin kept calling you "beehoon"? hahaha. i told you to ignore them, because they'll go away when they're not given attention. but in the end your mom came and gave them all a lecture lol.
although shen and i don't get time to talk much these days, i know our friendship is still strong. and i hope she'll never leave so we can create more of these silly memories.

felicia!! how we came to be, to me, is really amazing. schoolmates since kindy, but we never got close. i always observed her from afar. she's always been a sweetheart.
i loved fel as i got to know her. fel is passionate and loyal. she's upbeat, she's cheery, but at times she's sad, and she's hiding. she is an amazing person and she has gone through a lot so she needs strength but i know she's strong. RED HOUSE YO! lol.
my one regret is that i have never really found a way to express how much i care for fel. you are reading this, fel, aren't you? everytime you reach out, i want to be there. but i don't know how. i'm working it though, and one day, things will be different =D don't leave before that day comes. fel is the cutest. DO NOT DELETE THE PIC, FEL!

JOSH.
you let me go and i came back,
i pushed you away and you came back,
will this finally be the end? DUNNO.
josh and i are spontaneous, there's no telling what will happen next. one sure thing is that i'll always love him. we've got something special going on ;) so what if he's in canada now? we've been apart too many times, im used to it. LOL. there in my heart he'll always be.

still my favourite picture =p

hahahaha see, i told you i'll be fine after this. i love you all.
i never meant to do or say any mean things... i hope you understand that.
sometimes we just need to throw a fit, then we'll be fine.
learnt it from the babies!!

p.s - shen and fel, we are DEFINITELY gonna have our sessions every monday and thursday. i'll make sure it happens! clint, join us! =D